For a while, I’ve had the specific thought that I was to prioritize being together with people, even if it’s inconvenient, boring, annoying, or just not fun, over screens.

Within reason of course! I don’t mean to seek out toxic people just for the sake of being together. And finding time alone is so important, too. I loooove being alone. And I love consuming my screens alone (like reading a Substack newsletter or listening to an audiobook or podcast). But as a general rule of thumb, I want my days and weeks to be filled with in-person connections with people.

My impression of our culture on a grand scale is that we’re spending too much time with our screens and not enough time together. (Perhaps ironic to be sharing this through a screen, but here we are.) With our screens, we curate our ideal experience: what we want to watch, hear, and do. There is very little friction. Being with other people isn’t like that. There will nearly always be some kind of friction with another person, and I don’t mean tension. I mean even the friction of waiting to speak or finding yourself in a not very interesting conversation, or worrying about what to say or how to act. With our screens, we can immediately click away as soon as we detect the slighest friction.

I don’t think the rejection of friction and being together is serving us. I want to keep seeking out being together in person and noticing what those experiences bring to my life that interactions through a screen cannot.

During the pandemic, when all of my therapy sessions were virtual, I remember my therapist telling me that seeing someone on a screen activates our brain differently than if we are with them in person. So even being face-to-face with someone on a screen lacks something that we get from being in person. And I think we all know this intuitively. Yes – it’s incredible to be able to see family, friends, and colleagues who are far away so easily, and I’m so glad we have that technology. But it doesn’t replace being together in person.

I was thinking about this “being together with people over screens” when I was in a group a while back and someone was trying to be funny but not being that funny (in my opinion). It was one of those situations where you laugh politely but kind of wish you could get the thing over with. But then I stopped myself and thought, “How lovely is it to be here with other people and this person who is being upbeat and trying to bring humor and lightness to this group? How lucky am I to be here and know them.” I also started wondering what else might have happened in this person’s day – something annoying or stressful? Did they sleep well last night? And yet here they were bringing a smile and enthusiasm to this group. Stopping to appreciate being in person and being with these wonderful, complex other people changed my perspective on the experience.

We might find ourselves wishing for an out when we get caught talking to someone who shows no signs of stopping talking or asking us any questions. I am not saying we have to love that situation! But it’s part of being together with other humans, humans who are inherenly social creatures and want to be together. I want to keep thinking what we get out of the experience of being together in person, even if it feels imperfect, and what we miss when we withdraw from those connections.

I love this experience for my kids too and have remarked several times to Chris and friends that I love seeing them together in person with friends and their sports teams. Supporting my kids being in person over screens feels critical and something I want to stay attentive to.

I feel very fortunate that during this season of my life I have plenty of in-person experiences: through our elementary school, our neighborhood friends, my book club, my new Girl Scout Troop, and my kids’ sports teams. Not to mention family and local friends.

Soon our weather will change here and it’ll be the season for being outdoors and at the parks again. I love that season, when it’s so easy to get together casually with friends and neighbors. I’m thankful to have that in my life, and want to keep thinking about how to continue to lean into being together imperfectly in person over connecting on screens.

What about you? How do you find yourself thinking about connecting in person versus being on screens and connecting through screens? I’d also love to hear about what kind of in-person connections you seek, and how you might reframe less than enjoyable time together with others.