Current family routines: screen time

240129_ScreenTime Collaborative Minecraft game: a screen time use I feel pretty good about!

Lately a parenting theme in our house has been “getting things ship shape.” The three areas we’re working on, and what I’ll share here over three posts, are screen time, chores, and behavior. For all three of these categories of parenting / kiddo management I had a realization of, “Wait a minute. How did we get here?” Because our day to day reality was not matching up to our parenting values nor to the routines that we have tried to instill.

I was a bit down on myself for a couple of weeks about our eroded routines and enforcement. But with reflection and encouraging conversations with Chris and friends have come to realize that revisiting and tweaking routines is the stuff of parenting. You don’t declare a new routine and proceed thus forth in perpetuity. (How amazing would that be actually??) Kids resist, your weekly routine changes, parents lose steam enforcing things – that’s life! Even for myself, a lover and upholder of routines, I have to recommit every now and then to my own routines. What’s important is taking the time to step back, see how things are working (or not), and make some adjustments.

So I’ll start today with screen time because that seems to be a persistently thorny issue for parenting today. And I’m happy to say we’re already in a better place around screens and on a more ship shape path. Let me tell you a bit more…

Our device and screen time landscape

The boys are allowed to have screen time on Fridays after school, and on Saturdays and Sundays. On Saturdays and Sundays the boys have been allowed to start screen time at 9 a.m. The boys each have their own Switch (a handheld gaming device) and their own mini iPads which we gave to them this fall.

Our decision to get them their own iPads originally came from a desire for the boys to be able to listen to music in their rooms and cultivate their own taste in music. Even though I’m not super into music now as an adult I was very into music as a tween and teen. From my cassette (!) of Boyz II Men (also !!!) to CDs of No Doubt, Third Eye Blind, Cake, and more, music was a source of escape and finding myself as an individual. I feel strongly about giving my own kids the opportunity for music to be the same for them.

We also felt that we wanted the boys to have the opportunity to use tech with training wheels so that one day when they have phones, social media, and more they will have had a lot of time using technology under our supervision. We set up their iPads with lots of parental controls, app limits, etc. and overall feel good about the situation. In an ideal situation we would have waited until Cedric was also 10 to set him up with an iPad. but because the boys are treated so equally in just about all situations, we felt that would create more conflict than it was worth if we gave one to Dash and not Cedric.

The boys’ main screen time interest currently is Fortnite which we allowed them to get on their Switches a year ago. Fortnite is an online, multi-player, shooting game which is mildly to moderately violent (i.e. you shoot and kill other players but there is no graphic blood, etc.). The boys’ main interest in Fortnite seems to be playing with their friends (we don’t allow them to play or talk with anyone we don’t know) and collecting the different “skins” or looks of characters.

Maeve also gets some screen time but overall it’s limited to one show on weekday mornings while I make her hair and probably an hour or so each day on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday while the boys get screen time. Ideally she would not get that weekend time at all (the boys didn’t) and we do try to engage her in other activities. But sometimes allowing Maeve screen time is the only way Chris and I get any weekend rest and that feels like a worthwhile use of screens. It’s also hard to manage two older boys who get to be on screens while trying to keep the younger one off screens.

Our general approach to screens

We’ve been a screen-limited house from the beginning of parenting and are trying to carry that forward into the tween years while balancing our boys strong interest in screen-based content. Our boys are currently 9 and 10 and we’ve been trying to find a balance between allowing them time to do something they are really interested in with helping them develop self-regulation.

I’ve heard from some friends that they don’t have any screen time restrictions and their kids have found their own natural, healthy balance of screen time. I was really hoping my kids would be that way! But alas, the more time we allow on screens the more time the boys spend. Giving the boys ample time on screens does not, at this point, lead my boys to a point of screen satiety such that they want to do other things. So it does feel that we have to be more firm with regulating screens for them.

The “how did we get here?” situation

I found myself noticing the boys’ screen time use over the holidays and as the new semester got started. That’s when I had the realization of, “Wait, how did we get here?”

Here’s what I was observing: the boys rushing home from school on Friday afternoons to get on their Switches to play Fortnite and playing until we called them for dinner around 5:30 pm. On the weekends they would count down until the 9 a.m. screen time start time. If we had something to do or somewhere to go prior to 9 a.m. or soon after they would get moody and complain that their screen time was being affected. This would come up too if we were out and about for a lot of a weekend day. They would complain they “didn’t get their full screen time.”

Once they started playing at 9 a.m. they could play for hours if we didn’t enforce a break. Sometimes they would take breaks themselves to go play with friends outside, etc. but playing Fortnite was the dominant activity of their day most weekend days. They also started finding videos to watch of people playing Fortnite or Minecraft which honestly I find so weird and kind of disgusting but not necessarily any worse for them than playing video games (???).

Way back when (two years ago?) our screen time rules were that the boys could have weekend (Saturday and Sunday) screen time starting during Maeve’s nap, so around noon until 2 or 3. p.m. Sometimes longer if Maeve was napping or honestly if Chris and I just needed a longer break. Then over the summer we intentionally gave the boys more screen time to see if more screen time might let them get their fill and self-regulate. And so they were allowed to start screens at 9 a.m.

What stayed was the 9 a.m. start time and honestly what hasn’t happened is they boys getting their fill of Fortnite. And so inch by inch suddenly we found ourselves with boys who started playing video games on the weekends at 9 a.m. and could continue playing literally all day unless a break was enforced. Add to that that it can be difficult to get the boys to log off and they can have surly attitudes about getting off or not feeling like they have “enough” time. All of that felt really gross and quite alarming to me which is what ushered in some new routines.

Getting things ship shape

Recognizing that the boys’ screen time reality was pretty far from our ideal screen time situation was the first step. Figuring out how to pull things back was the next. Chris and I felt very on the same page and easily agreed on what new limits we wanted to roll out.

I’ll admit I felt nervous about announcing new screen time limits! I really dislike conflict and want to make my kids happy, perhaps to the point of sometimes giving in too much. One of our kiddos in particular can get in quite a funk over not getting his way and I dreaded his reaction. But then I reminded myself, “Oh yeah! I’m the parent and I get to decide what’s best. My child’s unhappiness over something that I think is in their best interest is totally okay and does not need to affect my mood and what we implement.”

So, over dinner one night two weeks ago, we shared with the boys that we’d noticed them spending a lot of time playing video games and that research says that spending too much time on screens is not great for developing brains like theirs. And so we’d be enforcing new screen time limits: up to three hours of Fortnite time each Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and a limit of one hour each weekend day on YouTube kids. We said this matter of factly, listened to some mild disappointment (but much less than we expected!), and ended with asking, “Who wants to bake chocolate chip cookies?” which helped them move on and not dwell in potential disappointment. Honestly it went so well I wish we had pulled back the video game time even more to an hour and a half.

The other thing we’re also addressing is the boys’ attitudes around screen time. We are now reminding them often that we expect pleasant and cooperative attitudes if we have morning activities that will delay the start of their screen time. We also expect them to take breaks from screens about every hour and to do so pleasantly.We’ve also let them know that we’re seeing how things go and that we might be limiting Fortnite time more in the future. On our to-do list is getting the Nintendo parental control app so that we can set an official screen time limit on the boys’ Switches. I wish we had known about this and instituted it from the beginning. I think seeing their screen time use would have alerted us sooner to make this change. Speak of other hindsight 2020s, I wish that when we started letting the boys play Fortnite that we had limited their play from the start to an hour and a half max per day, or even held off on letting them have the game for a bit longer. But, here we are! So we’re making the best of it.

Encouraging non-screen activities

Which brings me to the last leg of getting screen time use ship shape in our house: encouraging more non-screen activities. Something I’ve noticed that is likely related to screen time is that neither of my boys have many non-screen interests that they do by themselves. They both enjoy playing sports with friends but sometimes friends aren’t around to play. When that happens they have a hard time finding anything else to do. Neither is great at entertaining themselves alone (and I can see them coming by that honestly since they’ve always had a built in brother play mate) but their interests and maturity are also diverging to the point that they aren’t often finding new things to do together.

At 9 and 10 they don’t gravitate to toys any more, even Legos! Although this might be because they have a toddler sister and also haven’t had a new Lego set in a long time. Chris is the main parent playmate and says “yes” just about any time the boys ask to roller blade, pass the football, or play basketball. But lately it’s been the case, especially for one of the boys, that if he isn’t on a screen then he wants someone to entertain him which is hard.

So! I am asking everyone I know who has similar aged kids what non-screen activities their kids enjoy, and any tips for encouraging my boys to find new interests. One friend said that strategically setting things out, like Mad Libs, a board game, etc. could often encourage her kids to partake. I have thought about teaching the boys a couple of easy card games (and reminding them the ones they already know). I’ve heard Snap Circuits suggested (which are pricey but I’m willing to throw money at this ). One boy always complains that he wants to do something active but doesn’t want to do it alone so that is tricky!

I’m also not opposed to creative screen-based activities such as playing online chess or word games, or doing something creative like online drawing videos, etc. But so far when I suggest any of these I get a very annoyed, “No that’s boring!” But perhaps this too is where we need to do something with them a few times to try to spark an interest.

We’ve also been trying to get out and about more as a family on the weekends. Frisbee golf is a new family interest that we can all do together. And we are trying to do family walks to the nearby basketball court most nights where we can play, roller blade, scooter, etc. But encouraging my boys to find more independent, non-screen entertainment is something I hope to make progress on this year.

Okay, please chime in, friends! Have you had similar screen time challenges and do you have any suggestions for me, especially for encouraging non-screen interests in very active boys? Thank you so much for any ideas!

P.S. Kids and Screen Time (The Girl Next Door Podcast)

Jan 29, 2024

Motherhood

52 responses to “Current family routines: screen time”

Grateful Kae

Jan 29, 2024 at 12:18 pm

Oh, Fortnite. (Sorry?) to tell you this, but it doesn’t go away. My boys are 14 and 15 and Fortnite is still ALL the rage around here. They would/ could/ sometimes can literally spend hours and hours and hours playing this game. On the “plus side”, as you mention, they are almost 100% of the time playing interactively with their actual, real life friends. I hear them talking, laughing, working together over the headsets. The one thing that I feel kind of gross about is that for my high schooler, it seems to have basically taken the place of any in person interactions. I mean, he “hangs out with his friends” every Friday night, but they never ACTUALLY get together anymore. They all stay home, and connect over the Xbox. Now, they seem to have great fun! And he sees them at school, and they all seem to get along great. But it is very odd to me, in other ways. At that age I was spending so much time with my friends. And I guess he is, too, but in the 2024 way? Sigh. I don’t know. The thing is, this is all they really want to do together (mostly). If his friends came over, they’d have to somehow bring their Xboxes or something so they could play together. I am honestly not sure what they would do if they all just sat around in the basement together without their xboxes! 🙁 It is kind of sad, but also… maybe just the current times reality? I don’t know what the answer is. They all seem happy, and my son is otherwise well adjusted (good grades, has a part time job, plays sports, etc.). But definitely Fortnite is the primary thing he wants to do in his free time. It gets even harder to control time limits at this age. When mine were younger we also did a lot of the “Ok, you can play on Saturday from 1-3” thing. But now they’re older and more independent and I’m not even HOME half the time when they’re playing, and they always are wanting to play when their friends are available, too (so if I say they can only play from x:00 to y:00, this might overlap with when Friend is working, so then it doesn’t work out and they push back and my master plan unravels… you know what I mean?) All I can say, is…. it’s complicated. haha! In terms of advice, I’d say just keep encouraging other activities, as they naturally crowd out some of the video games. Like I mentioned, mine have sports practice many/ most days per week, piano lessons, we encourage gym-going, require chores, family outings, reading time, etc. Then, I figure if they want to numb their brains shooting animated characters in their free time, I guess so be it.

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 1:44 pm
  
  Hi Kae! I love hearing your perspective, and from having older boys. I think I would feel the same as you in your situation — if they are doing well at school, have interests outside of school/screens, and are socializing that all points to well adjusted kids and video games not having a negative impact. I get still wondering how much is okay, etc. and I bet I would (will!) too but as someone reminded me recently, the fact that you are reflecting on it and checking in shows that you are being thoughtful. I appreciated getting this peek into teen boy life…it is so different than how I spent my time in the 90s and as a girl. I had girl friends with Nintendos and they did love doing that but personally I have never been drawn to video games so it’s all so foreign to me. Loved hearing from you on this — thank you!
  
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SHU

Jan 29, 2024 at 12:19 pm

OMG ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE seriously. I think our kids would get along . . . The only thing that works to really distract them away from screens are to get out of the house, either outside to do something sporty, a museum, or organized sports etc. many weekends we have 2 soccer games, plus gymnastics, piano, etc, and then there’s homework so it provides automatic breaks. bc mine could also happily play for 30 hours until their brains are fried (and then the behavior afterwards is so bad . . .)

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 1:47 pm
  
  I so appreciate hearing this and knowing that my situation is not unique! We are working on more “sanctioned” family outings and mandatory pleasant (or at least not bad) behavior for those. One morning I wanted to take everyone out to a new coffee shop and BUY THEM TREATS and they would rather stay home for screens. I was like, “this has gone too far” LOL. I’m also coming to appreciate / enjoy? the busyness of soccer (one boy is currently playing) for giving us non-screen activities plus he’s getting really passionate which is so cool to see!
  
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Abigail

Jan 29, 2024 at 12:42 pm

Kelsey! I just want to start by saying this is my favorite post/podcast of yours so far. I relate to so much of what you said and was impressed with all the angles you hit upon. First I want to give you my screen alternative recommendation. For Christmas, my 7 year old got this Nerf gun target and it was such a blast for our entire family ( https://a.co/d/9dZGVH3). Him and I were pretty dedicated to playing daily and the fact that it keeps score so we could compete and try to beat our own high score kept making us come back for more. My son is so similar to your kids in how much he loves screen time, how hard it is for him to transition back to non screen time and how he has a hard time entertaining himself if no one is available to play. Audiobooks and podcasts have helped but I am pretty sure your kids already do that. Also sometimes I can get him into drawing but it usually takes me doing it with him to get him into it. I almost got him hooked on embroidery but it didn’t stick. Back to screen time- we have had a daily hour limit but we got a switch recently and now we find ourselves letting him do more like 3 or 4 hours on the weekend. It is hard because I do think there are different qualities of screen time like you said. When we as a family play an hour of Mario Party, it feels good because we are interacting and sometimes problem solving. During most of their other screen time, they are either playing Minecraft with their cousin online or playing Mario Kart together. But even with this higher quality screen time (compared to mindless YouTube or whatever), I still imagine that much screen time isn’t good for their developing brains. It is a struggle that I am not sure what to do about. Also we have tried the same thing where we attempted to be more lax about screen time hoping the end result would be being less obsessive about it. I am torn because part of me feels like I haven’t really been lax enough to see actual possible results but the other part of me knows that kids’ brains cannot self regulate screens (I mean all the adults I know are also horrible at this even with our mature brains so why would we expect our kids to be able to?!). Anyway, thanks for this thoughtful post! You are doing a great job mama!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 1:53 pm
  
  Hi Abigail! Oh I’m so flattered to hear that, and I so appreciate hearing how you related and that our screen time struggles/quandary is not unique. At least we can all feel good about that! I haven’t heard of a Nerf Gun target, that sounds fun! I will put that on my list of ideas. I agree with you that a cooperative family game on a screen feels so different than that same time spent solo playing a video game alone, or watching a show. I’m currently re-listening to the book How To Be A Happier Parent and she has a great chapter on screen time. I like that she doesn’t say WHAT you should do but offers some considerations. Just validating that it’s tough, but I can tell you are being so thoughtful and going a good job!
  
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Rachael

Jan 29, 2024 at 12:52 pm

OMG- yes to this whole post. I can’t wait to read more comments and hopefully read a follow up from you! I have a seven-year-old boy who has been screen obsessed from a very young age – like sitting for whole movies before 1. it has been a constant battle to regulate, and he fights back the entire time. He always tells me he’s bored if it’s not screen time. He talks about his video games constantly and loves to tell me about the plots/players/villains, and loves to go to friends houses to play with them- I agree with Kae that it’s probably a part of the times that we have to get used to. HOWEVER I need him to have more interest lol especially while he’s still in Elementary. He is involved in sports, but doesn’t really always love it, in fact, he is not continuing with his wrestling program that he’s doing really well in-because it falls on weekday nights, that is normally his TV/game time(630-715). we tried so many different things, and honestly nothing really gets through to him, and he just wants screens. It’s a constant source of frustration for me, his dad doesn’t care as much😆🙄 his brother is two years younger, and does really well at imaginative play by himself, which is something my oldest has never done. Our oldest has never been into toys! he loves puzzles, books, boardgames, but never really into creative play or art. I do wonder if that kind of personality just tends to be more bored without screens. I have zero advice, except to let you know you’re not alone in this at all, and I’m hoping to gain some tips!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 2:00 pm
  
  That is so so hard! I definitely think some personalities are more drawn to screens and get sucked in for longer than others. Like I mentioned I have other friends who have never had to impose limits and their kids self-regulate around screens in really reasonable ways. I don’t see that happening with my kids haha, at least with one of them. And it’s hard when they are so close in age to give different rules (but not out of the question of course…). Maybe once your younger one is more of an equal playmate he will pull your older son into more of his play, or they’ll find new things to do together! The book How To Be A Happier Parent has a good chapter on screen time that I’m currently enjoying revisiting — has some good things to consider and practical advice for how to consider setting limits if that’s what you want to do. I do think it’s probably always a bit of a moving target, and it can definitely change as they get older! Solidarity, mama!
  
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jacqueline

Jan 29, 2024 at 1:13 pm

I mean this with the most gentle of criticism, but I think it’s important to acknowledge the privilege that exists within these sorts of screen time limits. I’m a single parent and a freelancer – so when snow days, half days, off-hours client calls need to happen, or when Mom just needs to take a nap 🙂 – sometimes screen time is the ONLY way it gets done. I tried to set limits before, and I determined that my sanity and self-care are more important to me than worrying about the exact number of hours and minutes my kids are on a screen on a given day. I think it’s important to share that perspective, because there are some kids that are like mine, and there are other parents whose families did not have as much screen time, and there were often shouts of “that’s not fair! So-and-so gets more Fortnite time!” Do they get time to regularly interact socially with their peers outside of school? My daughter attends a school of choice, so she lives 25+ minutes away from her peers. In contrast, my son’s best friend lives next door. She uses her screen time like I used my real phone as a tween and teen – to talk to her friends. It really depends on your kid! In some ways, I worry that screen time is going to become the next diet culture – the more you restrict the more it will be something craved. Once I kind of gave up on screen time limits, my kids became less interested in being online all day and started to get creative with doing things like craft projects or playing outside.

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 2:06 pm
  
  Hi Jacqueline, thank you for sharing your experience and perspective! It sounds like you have found some screen time routines that really work for you and your kids and I appreciate hearing about that. What I share definitely only pertains to my family and my kids and I don’t mean to say that what we are doing is what anyone else should do. And we definitely also use screen time to get breaks for ourselves! I mentioned this in the post as well and it’s something I have worked to be okay with — parents need a break too and screens are a reliable way to get one! My boys have lots of neighborhood friends and can literally walk about the door and walk/bike to see many friends. One boy is super social and will do that a ton, the other is more introverted. So like you say, it depends on the kid so much! I also think how kids use screens matters too — talking on the phone feels very different to me than playing a moderately violent video game that is designed to keep you sucked in. I have seen some people liken screen time restrictions to diet culture. I’d be curious to read more and I’m open to considering that. However, we’ve tried the less restricted approach (and did this for months) and all they ever want is more, to the point that it feels unhealthy for me. So I feel confident that for my two boys at this time they need us to set healthy limits for them.
  
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Elisabeth

Jan 29, 2024 at 1:48 pm

I bounce all over the place with my thoughts on screens. We’ve mostly landed (kids 13 and 9) at no set times/restrictions but with HUGE caveats. For example, many times they ask for screens I’ll say no, but we don’t have a specific day or time where it’s always a yes. I do find my kids tend to self-limit. They get bored of screens or antsy. That said, neither kid has their own dedicated device so it’s much easier to control now than it will be when they eventually – HOLD ME! – get their own phones. I think all routines ebb and flow and I’m glad you’re back in a great routine that feels good. It’s normal for things to flux and to let things “slide” and the reset point is always going to be a moving target since kids/household dynamics change so much even sometimes from month-to-month (remember lockdowns??!!)

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 2:09 pm
  
  Thanks you, Elisabeth! I can see that approach working well with kids who seem to naturally self-limit. Without setting specific days/times mine would ask ALL THE TIME for screens, and then also be in horrible attitudes when the answer was no. Ack! So true that households ebb and flow — we probably need a tune up on several things every new season or so!
  
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Karen

Jan 29, 2024 at 1:55 pm

This hits home and I love that you’re writing about it! We have three boys (10, 14, and 17) and it’s a struggle! What’s worked (sometimes!) for us is offering other things that “crowd out” so much screen time, especially on the weekends or during stretches of weather that keep us cooped up indoors. Some things that have worked for us: popdarts (look on Amazon- they are small suction cupped darts that stick to the floor- they compete with each other or against my husband and me), art for kids videos on you tube, cooking- I’m pretty much willing to make anything they want to try, dominos (lots of you tube videos on this), snap circuits, Rummikub, Qwirkle, and big jigsaw puzzles. I’ve also found outdoor games to be a hit: frisbee golf, cornhole, etc. Outings such as pickleball, trampoline park and mini golf have been fun too. Also, watching a show like “Amazing Race” as a family has been a win. I’m excited to see what others suggest!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 2:12 pm
  
  Love all these suggestions, Karen, thank you!! I am going to look up those popdarts! I really wish my boys would get into cooking! I got into cooking when I was a bit older than them and I would 100% support them cooking jsut about anything they want at any time! Maybe when they figure this out they will get into it because they could be baking themselves a lot more brownies/sweets than they currently get LOL. Oh some new domino games! Good one! they have played chicken foot with my parents and like that. Thanks for all of these, they are great and you make a good point about “crowding out” screen time — I think you are so right and we are starting to design our weekends more that way. Then when they do have extra time I feel fine about it because we’ve been so active and social the rest of the time.
  
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Amanda

Jan 29, 2024 at 2:19 pm

🫣 I was the only enforcer of screentime and just burnt out on it! We do Ok but could use a routine refresh as well. I do have some ideas about creative iPad use though that makes me feel a little better about it all… The Procreate app with an Apple Pencil is amazing for drawing – my oldest (12) is always drawing and we recently built a website for them to post art online (with a pseudonym and no personal info). A few other 12 year olds we know use FlipaClip for making animations and it looks really fun. My youngest (9) spends a lot of time on Garageband remixing his favorite video game music. You can get a little midi keyboard and connecter for not much money, if Chris doesn’t have one already. He’s pushing for his own Youtube channel and has been making his own drawing tutorial videos too. I used to say that Minecraft was included in ‘creative’ iPad time but had to put a limit on that too because it was A LOT of hours. If both kids are playing together collaboratively though I’ll let them play as long as they want. Non screen related we got this book for Christmas and my son has made like 5,000 airplanes! https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0761143831/

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 2:24 pm
  
  I would be totally okay with drawing and music making on the iPad — thanks for sharing that and I have to look into that. I think we already have an Apple Pencil as well that no one is using. My 9 year old was super interested in music and then podcasts for a minute so I’d love to try to keep that going, and he always pays attention to video game music. How do you get clips of the music — is it available or do you just record on your phone and send an mp3 clip? Thanks for the paper airplane book too! Putting that in my cart for consideration, thank you!
  
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2. Kelsey
  
  Jan 29, 2024 at 2:36 pm
  
  He creates the music himself on the piano, so more of a cover than a remix I guess. 🙂 A great way to get a free mp3 though is find the song on youtube and then use a Youtube to mp3 converter: https://ytmp3.nu/CNtD/ Have him listen to ‘The Cryptid Catalog’ if he hasn’t. That’s my sons fave podcast, he’s listened to every episode multiple times.
  
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3. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 1:43 pm
  
  Thank you very much (and how cool on the music!). I checked out that podcast, it might be up my kids’ alley! If he likes that one I bet he would love one of our favorites: Grimm, Grimmer, Grimmest.
  
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4. Alexandra Swanson
  
  Oct 5, 2025 at 4:03 am
  
  He plays the music himself on the piano, so it’s really more like his own version than a remix.
  If you want to save a song as MP3, you can find it on YouTube and use https://yoomp3.com tool, it’s quick and easy.
  Also, he might enjoy The Cryptid Catalog, my son loves that podcast and has listened to every episode more than once!
  
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  1. Kelsey
    
    Oct 8, 2025 at 7:33 am
    
    Thanks for the rec!
    
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Sarah

Jan 29, 2024 at 2:48 pm

We’re not really in the screen time season yet with our kids (3 and 9mo) BUT the “How did I get here??” Feeling, wow so relatable. I feel that way with our oldest and her toys post Christmas/birthday. Can’t wait for the other posts in this series!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 1:44 pm
  
  Ack I know that feeling as well with the toys/stuff! As the kids get older you do keep finding yourself in those “how did we get here?” situations, although I am starting to feel more confident as a parent of how to get us OUT of those situations (and sometimes prevent them) so that feels like a win.
  
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Jessica

Jan 29, 2024 at 4:38 pm

Oh my goodness, this has been a big topic on my mind lately, and found myself nodding along to so much of what you wrote! My boys are 8 & 10 and we have slowly slipped into a lot of screentime. They get screentime most days of the week and we generally have little restriction or rules on what time we start/finish – for example some days we have after school activities so they have a limited amount of time to even be on a screen. I sort of go back and forth – I do hope that by not being too restrictive on it they can learn to self-regulate a bit, but also I feel like the way apps and websites are designed that’s asking a lot of them! I know I often struggle a bit with my desire to keep up with Instagram and feel like there are some parallels. We also have one child who never seems to reach satiety as you describe. The time is never enough for him and even sometimes when he is starting screentime he will be mad or moody about how little time he’s about to embark on – especially when there is something on the weekends like “ok, you can play from 10-12 and then we need to run errands (or insert activity here)”, and quite honestly he is regularly getting more time in the later day or evening as well, so in my mind there is literally no scarcity. I do wonder if this all coincides with a recent significant drop of interest in toys or other play type activities. We’ve been trying to incorporate more board games as a family and other types of activities but I often get tired of feelling like the activity director and also feel similar to you in I want my children to be happy. I’ve considered approaching it like you need to get XYZ done each day before screens and have that be a combo of chores and non-screen activities. I like the idea as far as giving them a bit of autonomy, but not sure that’s exactly where we want to land either. We’ve also considered giving them a daily limit and they can manage how/when they want to use it… but again, a lot to manage

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 1:48 pm
  
  Thank you for chiming in, Jessica! Tying getting things done before screens has been a good approach in our house and we are getting back to that. On the list could even be “read for 30 minutes” or “play outside for X time” etc. When you know they are partaking in other activities that aren’t screens then I usually feel better about letting them have more screen time. It’s really tricky when kids close in age seem to respond differently to screens. But also tying screen use to attitude (for example if one has a harder time getting off and being respectful about it) I could see that being a natural way to have different screen time rules.
  
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Emma Smith

Jan 29, 2024 at 5:31 pm

Hi Kelsey – I won’t weigh in too much since you already have lots of ideas from others. Just wanted to say that I’m sure your boys will be fine, because you are one of the most conscientious parents I know! I was a no-screen time parent when my kids were young–we never even had iPads, and my son got his first laptop, and then Xbox, after starting high school. And my daughter did not get a phone till the end of middle school. However, I cannot pat myself on the back because BOY did they ever catch up with a vengeance! It is shocking to me how addicted to tech they both are now in their different ways (video games for my son, now 18, and social media as well as some video games–Minecraft and The Sims–for my daughter, now 15). It feels embarrassing to me! So it’s actually nice to hear other parents admit that the situation has gotten away from them too! I think there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, since kids and parents are such individuals, but for us what works (a LITTLE) is honest discussions about screen addiction, done in a way that doesn’t feel patronizing to them (harder as they get older) and more Forced Family Fun (board games for the most part, as much as I don’t love them). Other activities our son liked when he was younger (and/or still does): Lego stop-motion games on the computer, online crossword puzzles (to my shock), Sudokus, sticker books, a soft basketball and hoop on his wall, and playing guitar. Another thing I tried to do was sit down and watch my son playing a game and comment on it. Instead of leaving him alone, which was my instinct, I’d chat with him and it would turn into kind of a fun social interaction. I think he liked the attention and low-pressure connection it created between us. But yeah, it’s brutal, this screen time battle!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 1:52 pm
  
  I so appreciate you weighing in, Emma, and your honestly! I can send the praise of being an intentional parent right back at you so I feel very comforted, in a way, that this has felt thorny for you as well. Don’t feel embarrassed! Gosh I so relate to being screen minimal for all this time only to wonder, “Did it matter at all??” Because yes they can get sucked in so fast. I really like your point about having conversations about screens and how they affect us and want to do that more, and we can admit to the boys as well that Chris and I both have to work on being intentional with our own screen time use. And such a good point about watching them play! They love that and often that helps me see that their games aren’t mindless, they actually require a lot of thought (maybe not complex learning but not totally passive!). I might try to do that more here and there.
  
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2. Kelsey
  
  Feb 5, 2024 at 12:37 pm
  
  Thanks for this nice reply, Kelsey!
  
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Sue

Jan 29, 2024 at 6:52 pm

Thank you for sharing this. I’m coming up on 15 years of parenting with four sons and whew, screen time oversight takes constant adjustment and thought. I have wished we lived on a farm without broadband countless times when I have reached the end of my rope, but then I remember that I don’t want to live on a farm and I like broadband =p. You’ve gotten lots of great suggestions…my boys also like Snap circuits, our backyard trampoline still gets a ton of use after 8 years, a badminton set for outside, and lots of audiobooks. For board games, they love Ticket to Ride and Risk. (as someone who doesn’t love board games, I enjoy Ticket to Ride!) But mostly I am just here to say you are not alone. I think a lot of us conscientious millennial parents are just feeling our way through the dark on this. My parents both worked full time when I was growing up and I watched a LOT of TV as a latchkey kid with seemingly no effects on my academic or social development, but screen time today just feels different. Hang in there!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 1:54 pm
  
  Thank you so much, Sue! I so appreciate you chiming in. Screen time today does feel so different, but then I guess our parents felt that way about the tv we were watching so hopefully it’ll all be okay?? But the way games/social media is designed to be SO addicting definitely feels different, and with all the commentary on the loneliness epidemic (which social media definitely fuels…ack!). Haha on living on a farm! Same! I imagine living out in the woods…but how would I shop at Trader Joe’s?? Trade offs…
  
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Kari

Jan 30, 2024 at 4:51 am

Kelsey! Sigh. Thank you for this post! I think it’s something we’re all struggling with. My boys are a bit younger – 6 and 8, but I can see this on the horizon. I actually think you may have helped me in my resolve to stave off the video games for a bit longer – so thank you for your insight! Since I’m not there yet, I don’t have much to offer, but I will say that we got the video game Just Dance (there are many versions out there with different songs for each year) for Christmas for our XBox console on our family tv. We got the camera attachment for the xbox so you just stand in front of the tv and dance, and my 8 year old just LOVES it and wants to do it every day. The 6 year old likes it too, though is a bit shy on the camera lol. From what I’ve heard most kids love it. So just wanted to put that out there for something active! It is a screen, but it sounds like you’re not opposed to that if it’s for something beneficial. Thanks for your blog and podcast! I’ve loved both for years. Keep it up!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 1:57 pm
  
  Hi Kari, thank you! Getting a gaming system for our tv is something we might consider at some point — I can def see the benefit of group games and also feel fine with those. For introducing video games I wish we had started with stricter limits, like one hour per weekend day, for example, to see how they affected our kids and also to set the precedent that this isn’t something you do for hours at a time. Thanks so much for your kind words!
  
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Kristin

Jan 30, 2024 at 5:00 am

Hello! I have 2 boy (7 & 9) and like you, one of them can not get enough of screen time. He also has difficulty playing on his own. I read something years ago that has stuck with me: A Mom and her older teen daughters were spending the day at the beach with a friend and the friend was amazed how not into their phones the kids were. The Mom said she spent years going out of her way to encourage non-screen interests: you want to bake cookies? I’ll help you. You want to learn to knit? I’ll drive you for supplies. I try to keep this in mind so that when they do express an interest in something non-screen, I really try to encourage that. But it’s so hard! I do feel like the cruise director at times. Summer is easier because we can send them outside (we live in the midwest). Some indoor things that have worked: we have a mini basketball hoop and soccer/hockey goals in our playroom and they will play each other or alone; audiobooks can sometimes work; my younger son is into “experiments” so we have a couple idea books that I can set something up for him; lots of card/board games (we try to borrow new ones from the library to test before we buy); puzzles; watching sports or game shows as a family (we’ve been enjoying “The Floor”). Our current rules are a little time after school on weekdays and then they can start at 7:30 on weekend mornings. We have no set limit (one child will argue the details and it’s exhausting) so after a couple hours I will say that’s it! They play primarily on a single ipad or on our TV, so setting limits would be hard. They mostly play Minecraft and I will say they have built some really cool things! I am encouraged by the other thoughtful parents who have chimed in here in the comments to say they have similar issues because as a parent who wants to be somewhere in between none/unlimited, I feel so alone sometimes!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 2:02 pm
  
  I love that anecdote. And also relate to feeling like a cruise director! I am coming to realize that being a more involved activity director is going to be part of this parenting season. I think it’s catching me off guard because the boys were playing so much with friends and doing other things but in this new season they are so drawn to screens and not as much to other things. So I thought we were passed them needing as much activity direction but I guess not! And that is okay…I’m sure I’ll blink and they’ll be so busy with high school activities, etc. I want to put in that time now. thanks for getting me to think more about this! I will check out The Floor too, sounds fun! We are trying to find more shows we can enjoy watching with the boys.
  
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Marty

Jan 30, 2024 at 5:29 am

I’m wondering what music app you use for your kids. I think we tried Spotify kids in the past and it didn’t have the songs they wanted to listen too. I let my kids watch from about 6:30 to 9 on the weekends (and other times too). They can drive me crazy when they are “waiting” to get onto their ipads, so this way they can use them and then we are on to the days activities. I wonder if that would work better for you. Thanks for sharing!

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1. Grateful Kae
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 9:16 am
  
  I agree with the morning screen time! I know maybe it sounds “bad” for kids to be on TV or video games first thing in the morning, but we found it to work better, too. Obviously within reason- they couldn’t start at 5 a.m. 😉 But we found that first thing in the a.m. everyone kind of just wanted to… chill. Myself included. 🙂 So letting them get up, grab a cup of milk and a bagel and settle in to play for a while in their PJs (while the adults could then read/relax/exercise/do whatever/take a slow morning, too) worked great. As Marty says, then after a couple hours we could all turn things off, pick up the house and get going on the day by 9 a.m. and head out to do errands or activities. In reality, I didn’t even really want my kids doing all sorts of active or imaginative or outdoor non-screen play at 7 a.m.! A bit of low key screen time then worked just fine for us. 🙂 Then we’d usually let them have another round later in the afternoon or evening.
  
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2. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 2:05 pm
  
  Hi Marty, they are using Spotify and honestly I’m not sure if it’s kids Spotify or just regular. I don’t feel like I have a problem with them having access to all music at this point because they don’t look for things other than what I already know they like and I don’t mind language (to an extent) in music — that’s something we talk about, artists expressing things in ways they are still not allowed to say. But this is something we need to be monitoring (and don’t very much at this point) so thanks for that reminder! that’s an interesting point about the earlier screen time — get it out of the way and then on with the day!
  
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3. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 2:06 pm
  
  that’s an interesting point about the earlier screen time! I think at one point we were letting the boys start at 7 am but it seemed to detour our day, like they wouldn’t eat breakfast, get ready, etc. so we pushed it back. But I will keep this in mind because maybe that is something to try again if we need to mix things up.
  
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4. Kelsey
  
  Feb 1, 2024 at 5:03 am
  
  I agree I don’t worry about the explicit music. The other day my son was searching for a song on Spotify and a song came up called bedroom sounds or something similar and he was like can we listen to bedroom sounds instead? I was like omg no!
  
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Laura

Jan 30, 2024 at 7:14 am

Hi Kelsey! Not mentioned in this episode but in a fairly recent episode you mentioned how integral to your birthday celebration was Chris’ sweet potato brownies. Could you or Chris generously share the recipe?

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 8:57 am
  
  Hi Laura! Yes! They are sooo good. They are from the Half the Sugar, All the Love cookbook which I own and love. Here’s an online version of the recipe, enjoy! https://www.52newfoods.com/double-chocolate-brownies-low-sugar/
  
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On

Jan 30, 2024 at 2:07 pm

An idea for in-person screen time: couch co-op games? My husband and friends and I used to love playing these together pre-kids (Overcooked 2, Magicka 2, Lovers In A Dangerous Spacetime). It was really fun for 3-4 people and everyone taking on different roles made for great game play; otherwise, I’m a much weaker player than my husband or best friend (but I didn’t grow up with a video game console, so…). We’d combine with sandwiches from our local sub shop, burritos or bahn mi from a Vietnamese place: easy hand food so you could take quick meal breaks from your controller while your friends covered for you on the “missions”. I’d think the right game might make a great sleepover for two of your boys friends, or family video game night for you and Chris to play along? Plus it might break up the monotony of only Fortnite (my eyes glaze over at the thought of devoting so much of a child’s cognitive potential to memorizing game details and especially the in-game marketing – ugh). On the other hand, I get it: video games can be awesome! Just…everything in moderation. We are only at age 3 so limiting screen time is a whole different thing over here. A lot of what we expose our son to is what we like (e.g. classical concerts or KEXP performances, Carl Sagan’s Cosmos or Harold Lloyd movies), plus he gets a little Daniel Tiger and Mister Rogers on his own. We do a lot of rewards/withdrawing privileges because that’s what he responds to best right now, so screen time falls in there too. And most of it is all-family viewing: there’s a lot of making sure everyone agrees on what to watch and trying to share it together. I hope to avoid having him have his own tablet although he’s very into mom’s laptop right now – and there are times we’d both like to be using it (sigh). Personally I’d rather skip the tablet and go straight to a laptop if possible; if he ends up on a device I’d like him to have access to typing early, rather than preparing to passively consume social media threads, unceasingly scrolling with a finger. Like you mentioned, the pros of your boys’ screen time is the fact that it is “social” and does build some computing skills. But…there’s so much more good media out there than just Fortnite! Especially if you can block ads. Really, the marketing is the number one thing I dread about children’s screen time and media exposure.

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 30, 2024 at 2:13 pm
  
  The cooperative games sound really fun! We don’t have a gaming console at this point but now that we have a tv I could be convinced to get one…as long as Fortnite is not blaring from it all weekend! I also detest ads and hate when the kids see them. We have conversations about how companies are “just trying to get you to buy stuff” and I hope to raise them as very aware and skeptical consumers. It sounds like you are already so thoughtful about screens with your little one. Keep it up!
  
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Ashley Moseley

Jan 31, 2024 at 7:43 am

Hi Kelsey, This is obviously a very important and relatable topic based on all the comments! I have an 8 year old son and am in a very similar boat. We have a wonderful neighborhood with 7 third graders on our street – which is great, until we are the parents who are most strict with screen time. That has resulted in our son just asking to go play at a friend’s house, but we know that is really code for going to play games elsewhere, which is tough for everyone. We became more relaxed about it, but found that then he was playing too often and was much more moody. Also tough! As an added layer, I have two adult cousins (28 & 34) who became addicted to video games as college students and lost YEARS of their adult lives to them. It was heartbreaking to see knowing they had so much potential. Neither graduated. So we also recently got back into a routine. Here are our solutions- the first thing is that we know he is motivated by money so we actually pay him to read. Not a lot, but just a couple of weeks in and he’s starting to enjoy reading. So the screen limits seem to be less of a problem because he knows he will get it and enjoys reading. We did set up a pile of books so that he doesn’t read the same Dog Man and Wings of Fire books over and over. We also have experiments at least one night or day a week. This is very random. Could be destroying a watermelon, a block of ice, could be mixing oil and water, etc. He seems to really like these hands on things and generally, I place few rules around it. We do have activities two nights a week and usually one on Saturday, so that helps. The main thing was helping him realize that there are things he enjoys outside of screens. We also watch a lot of what we call 90’s sports movies (Mighty Ducks, Cool Runnings, etc) and at some point he realized all those kids/people were having a lot of fun without screens at all. Thanks for the thoughtful podcast and conversation

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1. Ashley Moseley
  
  Jan 31, 2024 at 10:39 am
  
  Forgot to add! We have a monthly calendar and it’s made a big difference for him to just know what is coming. Even if he doesn’t really want to do it, it’s easier because he’s aware that it’s coming.
  
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2. Kelsey
  
  Jan 31, 2024 at 12:18 pm
  
  I loved hearing all of this, Ashley! The neighborhood dynamic is a big factor in the boys’ screen time so I hear you on that one. It’s tricky! Overall it’s a huge benefit having friends live so close, but it is hard to navigate when rules at other houses are very different. Same for us re: boys leaving our house all the time to play at others’ houses. So it felt like it might be better for us to allow the game they were already playing in a way we could monitor. Looking back I might have held off longer or at least introduced it with more limitation. But here we are! I am def keeping this in mind for any future games/requests though! The money = reading, if it works go for it! This reminds me that during my chhild hood summers I had to read minute for minute to earn TV time. And I turned out to be an avid reader so maybe it worked – ? I don’t trust my boys to be as honest in their time tracking as I was (haha) but I have considered this before! 90s sports movies, yes! We need to watch Cool Runnings again. Do you know what movie we just watched that is still awesome? The Parent Trap with Lindsay Lohan! Harriet the Spy is also fun too and made my boys want to write things and be spies which is so cool. With our new family meetings I am able to tell the boys about upcoming schedule things, such as weekend outings that might cut into screen time and I do think that helps (even if not necessarily prevents) moodiness. Finally, I’m so sorry your extended family experienced video game addiction and I’m glad they are in recovery. That is very sad and scary and quite a cautionary tale.
  
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Julie

Jan 31, 2024 at 10:13 am

I enjoyed this post so much, Kelsey! I enjoyed digging into the philosophies and practicalities of a very relevant issue for “middle” aged kids. In brainstorming what alternatives are out there, I loved the previous comments and will add a few ideas of my own. Two active/creative uses of screens that our family has utilized are the Just Dance video game on the Switch and also stop motion animation; I think there are various apps out there for it. My son and the neighbor boy are very into collaborating on storytelling and finding props, etc. to photograph for their stop motion productions. A couple of physical activities that could be done around home would be a laser tag or an archery set for the backyard or park. You mentioned Snap Circuits in your post, which we own but it rarely gets used. However, a similar item that is a bit more open ended is Gravitrax, which is a mish-mash of a marble run with Hexbugs/Snap Circuit creativity. My kids, too, are getting away from toys but this one is a big hit! Lastly, I’ll share that my daughter has recently been invited into a D&D group with some of her school friends and led by an older sister. They get together once a month in person and enjoy snacks and laughter while storytelling together. I am not really into games nor fantasy myself, but I see her having so much fun and I’m so happy for this little joy in her life!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Jan 31, 2024 at 12:21 pm
  
  I love these ideas, Julie! The stop motion sounds like it could really be up their alley. Oh and I’m so glad you mentioned D&D! We have been trying to get one of the boys into this but since we aren’t experienced we have had a hard time finding a truly beginning situation. Chris took him to a “beginner” night but they felt very out of their league and really didn’t know what was going on. But I think they could get into that kind of imaginative and cooperative play and I would love that. So it sounds like we need to find an older brother or sister situation…I might put a call out to my community!
  
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Marty

Feb 1, 2024 at 4:54 am

Great comments here. Wondering what your kids use as a music app. We tried Spotify kids a while ago but it didn’t have the songs and podcasts they wanted.

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1. Kelsey
  
  Feb 1, 2024 at 10:50 am
  
  Hi Marty, currently just regular Spotify. But I saw your comment above about the “bedroom sounds” ACK! I never would have known to be worried about that…this is why we can’t have nice things!! I’m not sure if you’re an Apple device user but since Apple has such a great set up with parental controls maybe it would be similar if you set a kid up with Apple Music? Like being able to give them the access you wanted them to have but limiting the less desirable stuff.
  
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Erika

Feb 19, 2024 at 3:11 pm

This is such a fantastic post and discussion in the comments. My oldest is 9 and a boy and he’s really into music thanks to inheriting his dad’s entire 90s CD collection. I was curious about how you introduced the iPads for music – do you have a family Spotify membership or something else? Our older kids would love that but I worry that making iPads broadly available would lead to TV time or just screen watching when I don’t intend it. Thanks!

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1. Kelsey
  
  Feb 20, 2024 at 2:08 pm
  
  A 90s CD collection! Amazing! So yes, we have a Spotify family membership and have the boys on their own accounts off of that. For their iPads we have a lot of restrictions set up that we set up as part of our Apple Family. You can set it up so they can’t access any other apps other than Spotify, for example, if you only wanted them to have access to music. It took a couple of sit-down sessions for Chris and I to get the accounts set up correctly but now that we are I can manage all of that stuff easily from my phone and grant them more time on an app, or not! Chris can do the same from his phone. One annoying thing I’ve found about Spotify is that it have videos! So I have found them watching youtube-like videos argh! I will have to see if I can restrict that on the Spofity side maybe…
  
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Diana

Mar 15, 2024 at 8:50 am

I cannot tell you how much I resonated with this. One of my kids is A LOT more obsessive with his screen time than the other and we get such fits if he doesn’t get the screen time he thinks he deserves, particularly on weekends. Sometimes this is because he spent time playing outside with a friend instead and we try to point out that playing with your friends is (mostly) a more satisfying activity than screens but it can still lead to some meltdowns. In order to keep them moving before school we’ve been letting them have 5-10 minutes of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the morning if they are ready early enough. That has really helped one child in particular keep moving and get fully ready in time. My oldest does have homework nearly every Mon-Thurs and sports practices often those nights too (although we are briefly between seasons right now!) so that doesn’t leave much screen time for him so, besides Ninja Turtles, they mostly have screens on the weekend. We do family movie night all together on Friday night, take turns picking movies. I don’t really count that as “screen time” since it’s also a family activity, wind down from the week. It comes and goes with schedules and stress how much of an issue it can be. We don’t do Fortnite but they love this Sneaky Sasquatch game through Apple Arcade they can do on our TV. I do not understand it but it’s a good motivator to get some chores done before they get it! We try to limit it to about 2 hours on Sunday afternoons but depends on weather and if we have other things going on and all of that. A thing I feel like I am constantly thinking about, that we could use a good system so that it’s not a constant source of negotiation!

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Current family routines: screen time

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